How Can I Encourage Someone Without Flattering Them?

Tell the truth for the other person’s good

You like your colleague, but the announcement they have drafted leaves out the meeting time. Calling it perfect would spare a moment’s awkwardness and leave the problem untouched. You could instead appreciate its welcoming tone and point out what readers still need. Everyday encouragement often begins with this small willingness to be both generous and accurate.

Proverbs says, “Faithful are the wounds of a friend; but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful” (27:6). R. N. Whybray reads this alongside verse 5 as a teaching about friendship and frankness. The friend’s reliability matters. The verse does not turn every painful remark into a faithful act, or make an affectionate manner evidence of deception. ^{1, 2}

There is also an interpretive caution. Michael Fox understands the difficult description of the enemy’s kisses as emphasizing their abundance; Whybray questions that explanation. Their disagreement need not distract us from the contrast between dependable friendship and its misleading appearance. Neither the number of compliments nor the discomfort of criticism can settle whether someone is serving our good. ^{2, 3}

Paul denies using “flattering words” or “a cloke of covetousness” (1 Thessalonians 2:5). H. J. Prinsloo draws attention to the surrounding denials of deceit, greed and the search for human glory. The problem is larger than an enthusiastic adjective. Speech about another person can become a cover for what the speaker wants to obtain. ^{1, 4}

Scholars differ about the immediate rhetorical purpose of Paul’s account. Bruce Winter sets it against the entry practices and expectations of ancient orators; Prinsloo gives more weight to Paul’s defense of his conduct. We need not confidently reconstruct a particular accusation to hear the shared point: Paul refuses to make the gospel a means of personal advantage. ^{4, 5}

Sotirios Despotis emphasizes how Paul’s affectionate relationship with the Thessalonians makes room for continuing exhortation. In the passage itself, being gentle and sharing his own life go alongside urging them to walk worthily of God. Warmth and moral seriousness can inhabit the same relationship. We need neither a cold manner nor an inflated verdict to prove that we care. ^{1, 6}

Later Paul tells them to “comfort yourselves together, and edify one another” (1 Thessalonians 5:11). Karoline Lewis notices that he also recognizes the encouragement they already practice. Genuine affirmation can begin with something real: the patience someone showed, the question they took seriously, the care with which they explained a difficult point. We can notice faithfulness without inventing excellence. ^{1, 7}

Notice what the praise is trying to do

Yuval Eylon and David Heyd distinguish flattery from an honest compliment partly by its purpose and context. Even a true statement may be used to win favor rather than to express a trustworthy judgment. Before praising someone, consider whether you would still say it if they could give you no access, opportunity or special treatment. ⁸

Encouragement has a different direction. Y. Joel Wong describes it as affirmation intended to strengthen another person’s courage, perseverance or confidence in facing a difficulty or realizing a possibility. It need not pretend that the task is finished or that success is certain. You can recognize someone’s ability to take a useful next step while acknowledging what still needs work. ⁹

An old observation from Plutarch remains searching: a flatterer can imitate frankness too. A person may perform a little criticism to make their larger admiration seem credible. Conversely, real friendship has room for pleasure and appropriate praise. Constant severity is no more reliable a certificate of love than constant approval. Look at the relationship and its purposes over time. ¹⁰

We should also be modest about our resistance to pleasant words. In Elaine Chan and Jaideep Sengupta’s experiment with Hong Kong students, rapid and unhurried ratings of a fictional store differed after an obviously interested flattering message. Recognizing a sales motive did not make every response identical. Give a request its own consideration instead of letting enjoyable praise settle it. ¹¹

Suspicion can create its own problems. Jonathan Kunstman and colleagues found that students assigned a simulated boss role discounted praise more than those in less powerful roles. The experiment does not reveal what every subordinate means. If someone’s livelihood or place in a group depends on your approval, do not assume that either their warmth or their caution gives you direct access to their motives. ¹²

Daniel Kapust’s history distinguishes calculating flattery from deference shaped by dependence. Someone may fear the cost of displeasing a powerful person. That makes the conduct of the person with authority especially important. Invite specific observations, receive disagreement calmly, and stop making praise the price of an ordinary hearing. ¹³

Luther’s explanation of the commandment against false witness names another danger: a desire for favor can make people bend their account toward the powerful. Truthfulness requires refusing that bargain. The person who praises you should not receive an exemption from the same fair consideration you owe someone who speaks without enthusiasm. ¹⁴

In Benjamin Rogers and colleagues’ imagined workplace scenarios, observers viewed leaders less favorably when they granted a professional favor after flattery. Other people are watching how opportunities are given. A leader can thank someone for a kind remark and still assess the subsequent request by its actual merits, with reasons that can be explained to those affected. ¹⁵

Nor are observers automatically impartial. A separate Chan and Sengupta experiment found that reactions to another person’s praise varied with how similar the praised person seemed to the observer. Before calling a compliment manipulative, examine your own disappointment at not receiving it. Discernment gives us work to do on ourselves as well as questions to ask about others. ¹⁶

Keep ordinary kindness alive

Rejecting flattery should not make a community stingy with sincere appreciation. Xuan Zhao and Nicholas Epley’s research with acquainted pairs found that people could underestimate the welcome their genuine compliments received. Hesitation is not always evidence that a kind word would be unwelcome. Something modest and specific may be worth saying even when saying it feels unfamiliar. ¹⁷

Erica Boothby and Vanessa Bohns found a related gap when participants offered chosen compliments to strangers on a university campus. Recipients reported more positive feelings than the givers had expected. Their study concerns ordinary respectful compliments, and the authors expressly distinguish unwelcome romantic or sexual remarks. Kindness includes attending to the person and the situation, rather than insisting that every remark should be appreciated. ¹⁸

Zhao and Epley also studied acquainted people receiving one genuine compliment by email each day for five days. Their reported positive feelings did not show a significant decline across that period. We do not have to invent a more extravagant description each time we express appreciation. Returning sincerely to a real quality can be better than manufacturing superlatives. ¹⁹

Check the expectations carried by your praise. Jules Holroyd’s analysis asks whether praise quietly reinforces unfair roles. Complimenting someone’s endless willingness to help can leave their sacrifice looking automatic. Warm appreciation should leave them free to say that they are tired, need assistance or cannot take the next task. Encouragement should not turn a virtue into an obligation to be endlessly available. ²⁰

Offer correction that someone can use

A desire to spare feelings can still mislead. In Matthew Lupoli and colleagues’ study, US students who read a purported essay writer’s account of bereavement inflated their feedback more than those who read an ordinary event. Compassion deserves expression through care and patience. It does not require calling unclear work clear, especially when the writer needs useful information to revise it. ²¹

Lily Jampol and Vivian Zayas found another difference in a programmed writing feedback exercise. Undergraduates raised their evaluation after learning that the supposed writer was a woman, while the corresponding change for the male writer was not significant. Supposed protectiveness can shape the assessment we communicate. Offer another adult the dignity of useful feedback without deciding in advance that they cannot bear it. ²²

Emma Levine, Annabelle Roberts and Taya Cohen’s review urges attention to the longer purpose of a difficult conversation. A truthful observation can be joined to practical help: identify the missing information, explain why it matters, and offer to check the revised notice. The point is an attainable improvement, not the satisfaction of announcing a fault. ²³

Nathan Fulham, Kori Krueger and Taya Cohen add a helpful distinction: being willing to receive feedback is different from discerning what it means and whether it is accurate. Make both your concern and your observation clear. Give the person room to explain, ask for an example or disagree. Neither a soft tone nor a confident delivery guarantees a correct judgment. ²⁴

Cheshire Calhoun emphasizes that consideration must be communicated in ways another person can recognize. An inward claim that you meant well does not cancel the message conveyed by sarcasm or a superior manner. Say what you noticed without rolling your eyes, performing disbelief or making the person feel foolish for not having noticed it first. ²⁵

Sarah Buss connects courtesy with the dignity of persons rather than the merit of every accomplishment. You can treat a person respectfully while judging a particular draft inadequate. Karen Stohr likewise argues that ordinary manners can carry moral consideration. A gentle greeting and patient attention do not oblige you to offer an evaluation you cannot honestly support. ^{26, 27}

Kimberley Brownlee’s discussion of attentive interaction gives this a practical edge. If you have agreed to hear someone, actually listen. A pleasant response delivered while you check something else may evade the conversation as effectively as a blunt dismissal. Put down the distraction, understand what kind of response they need, and answer the matter they have brought. ²⁸

In two English student focus groups studied by Brendan Larvor and colleagues, participants wanted critical friendship to include trust, patience and shared enjoyment. One relationship should have more in it than corrections. If every conversation becomes an assessment, even useful observations can become exhausting. Remain interested in the person when there is no fault to identify or performance to improve. ²⁹

Receiving correction asks something of us too. Jimmy Licon’s qualified philosophical account notices that criticism can carry costs for its speaker that pleasant praise does not. A friend’s inconvenient observation may deserve a hearing precisely when saying it was difficult. That is a reason to listen carefully, while still checking the claim rather than assuming that difficulty proves it true. ³⁰

Rubel Shelly’s pastoral counsel joins preparation, gentleness and a willingness to speak truth. Choose a fitting time and a useful purpose. You need not announce every unflattering opinion you possess. When an observation could help, make it concrete enough to discuss and kind enough that the other person is not reduced to the problem. ³¹

Research by Wong and colleagues on written encouragement included expressions of empathy, support and recognized strengths among the features they coded. Those forms give us useful possibilities beyond declaring everything wonderful. You can acknowledge that a task is difficult, name a strength the person can bring to it, and offer to stay alongside them while they work. ³²

Let love remain answerable to truth

Jude condemns those who have “men’s persons in admiration because of advantage” (verse 16). Gene Green places this charge within an effort to draw a congregation away from its received faith. Admiration becomes a means of recruiting people for the speaker’s purposes. Jude’s warning should make us examine what our religious praise invites someone to trust, accept or overlook. ^{1, 33}

The same letter calls believers to build themselves up in faith, pray in the Holy Ghost, remain in God’s love and show compassion. Pentecostal dependence on the Spirit belongs with that patient moral work. A feeling of spiritual warmth cannot certify a flattering promise, and truthful correction need not extinguish tenderness. God’s love trains us to desire another person’s good more than the pleasant impression we can make. ¹

Return to the unfinished announcement. You can appreciate its welcome, explain the missing time, and help make the invitation clearer. No inflated verdict is needed, and no harsh performance adds value. Honest encouragement leaves another person better able to see, choose and continue, with the assurance that your care for them survives the correction.